There's been some new developments since the last time I enetered a post. I'm going on another trip! (Sadly, the exclamation point feels exaggerated with the way I'm feeling right now.) This time to Colorado. Yup, you've guessed it. To another concert.. with the same band. :) Since the last trip was such a success, I should be pretty excited right?? Well somehow I'm not and that's eating and gnawing at me from the inside, and as we get closer to the departure date, the chewing is getting more noticeable.
Maybe it's because I'm having trouble with my weightloss. I mean, to summarize what happened this month of July, all I did was more exercise, plus I gained 5lbs. *sighs* I'm okay with that. Just because I lost 17.4lbs in June doesn't mean I slacked off this month. (even though I did in some ways) I've nearly lost 40lbs and I know who I lost it for. :) This band. :) Currently though, this band of mine is having problems.. and I just can't deal with that on top of everything else. I love them with all my ♥.. I'd do anything for them, I've even done the impossible. Lose weight. I thank God for them every day. They're in my blood, my soul, my life... There's nothing I want more than their happiness. Maybe what's going on with them is a little speed bump, I pray that that's all it is. If it's something bigger, which I think it is.. I shall be so depressed. There's no one I can talk about it to. That's because I'm a selfish, secretive ass who doesn't want anyone else to see their glory. I figure they're famous enough I guess.
My sister, who also loves them.. doesn't want me to tell her any bad news until after our trip in Aug/Sept. But will there be a trip? That's the horrible conflict and dilemma I'm rehearsing over and over in my mind. Maybe I'm just overreacting, but I doubt it. I've sat at this computer many times before and heard/read some of the worst news of my life.. Could this be another time? I survived it once before, kept in secrets, cried.. but will this be the dealbreaker? I mean, am I in for the worst news of all time? I sincerely hope not.. and not just for my sake.
So yesterday, I watched Julie and Julia (for the second time) and in some ways I feel a big connection to Julie. Now more than ever. I mean she had an idol to love.. so do I. Except she wasn't secretive about it.. XD She did amazing things for Julia, the way I feel I'm doing great things for this band. She said she feels that Julia is making her a better person, the way I feel this band heals me everyday. :)
Sometimes I want to escape, not for real or anything, I love my life. There's nothing I'd change for all the money in the world.. of course there's things I want or want to do, but realisticly, everything's where it should be. Sometimes I look out the window, and think about last year. Hopefully it's not too pathetic to live in the past but I was really my happiest then. I'm tearing at the thought. I've never experienced pure love like that, so unconditional. It healed me. Made me strong and confident, safe.
I honestly don't know where I'd escape to most of the time, but right now I'd escape into the studio with my favorite band. Just to watch them, in creative mode. Making perfect music. Asking for MY opinion because it mattered to them. Me, feeling smitten and nervous to be around them. Close to them. Hearing them crack dirty jokes, or drinking a beer, lighting a cigarette. Just relaxing.. And there I am, in the midst of it all. Knowing that nothing would ruin this moment. We're all here together, just having a really good time. And by the end of the day, maybe a couple of fights or bad moments later.. There's a product, a final product that could always be altered or changed, but they feel comfortable with what they've done, using my opinions of course. ;) There's music, beautiful music that I got to help create. ---In sepia tones is how I picture it. lol. Let's get back to reality, although that was a really nice "outer-body experience" I just had. lol.
Ahh another new development was that we got another cat.. The one who was clawing at my foot earlier. He's such a sweetie. ♥
I do feel a little bit better sinced I've released a little tension with these words. There's other things that've happened but I guess I'm not in the mood. 11:41AM
